Preparing for Marriage in the Orthodox Church

Marriage in the Orthodox Church is not simply a blessing placed upon a relationship that already exists. It is a Holy Mystery in which a man and a woman come before God and His Church and begin a common life in Christ.

From the beginning of Holy Scripture, marriage is presented as something more than companionship. "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh" (Genesis 2:24). Our Lord Himself repeats these words and adds, "What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder" (Matthew 19:6).

This is how the Church approaches marriage. A husband and wife are not simply choosing to live beside one another. They are being called to become one life and to help one another toward the Kingdom of God.

For this reason, preparing for marriage means much more than preparing for a wedding day. It means preparing to receive another human being as a gift and a responsibility before God.

Step 1: Before Marriage

Purity Before Marriage

The Orthodox Church calls a man and a woman to bodily purity before marriage. Holy Scripture says plainly, "Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled" (Hebrews 13:4). The marriage bed is honorable precisely because sexual union belongs within the faithful union of husband and wife.

The Church does not teach that the body is dirty or that sexuality is evil. God created the human person, body and soul. Christian chastity means learning to receive the body according to God's purpose rather than allowing desire to rule us.

Saint Paul writes, "For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication: That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour" (1 Thessalonians 4:3–4).

Saint John Chrysostom understood this very practically. Speaking about the formation of young people, he writes, "He that is chaste before marriage, much more will he be chaste after it." (St. John Chrysostom, Homily 9 on First Timothy.) His point is simple and very human: the habits we form before marriage do not suddenly disappear when the crowns are placed upon our heads.

A young man who learns to control his passions and respect the woman before him is already learning how to become a faithful husband. A young woman who learns the same self-control and purity is preparing herself to become a faithful wife. Neither should treat the other's body as something to be taken before the life of marriage has actually begun.

The time before marriage is therefore not a period for pretending already to be husband and wife. It is a time to learn patience, self-control, respect, honesty, prayer, and sacrifice.

Love is more than desire. Real love can wait.

Preparing for the Mystery

Before setting the wedding date, the couple should speak with the priest. Preparation is not merely about making arrangements for the service. It is an opportunity to ask what kind of marriage they are actually preparing to build.

Are we praying? Are we living within the Church? Are we prepared to forgive? Are we ready for children if God gives them to us? Can we place the good of the other person before our own preferences? Can we admit when we are wrong?

These are much more important questions than the details surrounding the wedding day.

Christ tells us, "But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you" (Matthew 6:33). That principle belongs in marriage as much as anywhere else in Christian life. If husband and wife place Christ first, everything else gradually finds its proper place.

Preparation should therefore include prayer, repentance, Confession, participation in the Divine Liturgy, and an honest conversation about the Christian home they hope to establish.

Step 2: The Wedding

The Betrothal

The marriage service begins with the Betrothal. The rings are blessed and placed upon the bride and groom while the Church asks God to establish them in faithfulness, truth, and love.

The ring has no beginning and no end. It becomes a simple sign of the faithfulness the couple is preparing to live.

Christian marriage cannot be built upon the question, "What will I receive from this person?" Its deeper question is, "How will I remain faithful to the person God has placed beside me?"

Holy Scripture tells us that love "seeketh not her own" (1 Corinthians 13:5). Those few words already describe one of the great struggles of married life. The selfish person continually asks what he or she deserves. Christian love learns to ask what can be given.

The Crowning

The central act of the Orthodox wedding service is the Crowning. The priest places crowns upon the bride and groom and prays, "O Lord our God, crown them with glory and honor."

The crowns speak of joy and dignity, but they also remind us that Christian love requires sacrifice. Husband and wife receive one another not simply as companions but as a vocation.

Marriage will ask both of them to surrender pride, anger, resentment, selfishness, and the desire always to have their own way. In this sense, the crowns also point toward martyrdom. Not usually the shedding of blood, but the daily dying of selfishness.

Our Lord says, "Whosoever will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me" (Mark 8:34). That command does not cease to apply when a person marries. In many ways, marriage gives it a very concrete form.

There will be times when love means being patient when tired, forgiving when wounded, remaining faithful when tempted, caring for the other during illness, or putting the needs of the family before one's own comfort.

The crowns come off at the end of the service. The Cross remains.

"Crown Them With Glory and Honor"

The prayer of Crowning does not ask God merely to give the couple a successful marriage. It places their union within the whole history of salvation. The Church remembers:

• Abraham and Sarah — "And Abram and Nahor took them wives: the name of Abram's wife was Sarai" (Genesis 11:29). God later renamed them Abraham and Sarah as He established His covenant with them (Genesis 17:5, 15).
• Isaac and Rebecca — "And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her" (Genesis 24:67).
• Jacob and the patriarchs — Jacob's marriages to Leah and Rachel, mothers of the twelve patriarchs of Israel: "And Jacob did so, and fulfilled her week: and he gave him Rachel his daughter to wife also" (Genesis 29:28).
• Joseph and Asenath — "And Pharaoh called Joseph's name Zaphnathpaaneah; and he gave him to wife Asenath the daughter of Potipherah priest of On" (Genesis 41:45).
• Moses and Zipporah — "And Moses was content to dwell with the man: and he gave Moses Zipporah his daughter" (Exodus 2:21).
• Zacharias and Elizabeth — the righteous, elderly couple who became the parents of St. John the Baptist: "And they were both righteous before God, walking in all the commandments and ordinances of the Lord blameless" (Luke 1:6).
• Joachim and Anna — the parents of the Theotokos. Unlike the others above, they do not appear in Holy Scripture itself; their account comes from Holy Tradition (the second-century Protoevangelium of James, not part of the biblical canon), which the Church has long received as trustworthy regarding their names and righteous, childless old age before Mary's birth. No Scripture citation is given here for that reason — it would not be honest to attach one.

Marriage is therefore presented not as a private arrangement between two people, but as part of the life of God's people and His ongoing work in the world. The couple being crowned is being received into something much greater than themselves.

Christ and His Church

The appointed Epistle for the marriage service is Ephesians 5:20–33. Saint Paul takes us beyond every shallow understanding of marriage by comparing it with the relationship between Christ and His Church.

"Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it" (Ephesians 5:25).

That is an extraordinarily demanding command. The husband is not told simply to provide, lead, or protect. He is told to love as Christ loves.

And how does Christ love?

He gives Himself.

This is why Saint John Chrysostom's teaching about Christian marriage is so powerful. Authority in a Christian home can never be separated from sacrifice. The measure is not domination, but Christ crucified.

Saint Paul concludes, "This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church" (Ephesians 5:32).

Christian marriage therefore becomes one of the places where the Gospel stops being merely something we hear and becomes something we must actually live.

The Wedding at Cana

The Gospel appointed for the wedding is John 2:1–11, the Wedding at Cana in Galilee.

Christ is present at the wedding with His Mother and His disciples. When the wine fails, the Mother of God says to the servants, "Whatsoever he saith unto you, do it" (John 2:5).

Those words are almost a program for Christian married life.

Do what Christ tells you.

There will be times in every marriage when human resources seem to run short. Patience may run short. Money may run short. Health may fail. Understanding may disappear. Husband and wife may discover that emotion alone cannot carry them through everything.

Cana teaches them where to turn.

Christ does not merely attend the wedding. His presence transforms it. In the same way, He must remain present in the marriage after the wedding day has passed.

The Common Cup

During the service, husband and wife drink from a common cup. This is not Holy Communion, but it expresses the common life they are beginning.

They will drink together from joy and sorrow, health and sickness, prosperity and difficulty, success and disappointment. Neither is promised a life containing only sweetness.

Saint Paul gives us one of the simplest descriptions of Christian life together: "Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ" (Galatians 6:2).

Marriage makes those words very concrete. When one suffers, the other cannot simply remain untouched. When one rejoices, the other shares the joy. The two remain distinct persons, but they no longer live as isolated individuals.

They have begun a common life.

The Procession

After the Crowning and the Common Cup, the priest leads the newly married couple three times around the table while the Church sings.

Their first steps as crowned husband and wife are taken together in the Church.

That movement tells us something important: marriage has a direction.

Husband and wife are not simply walking toward one another. They are supposed to walk together toward Christ.

Saint Paul writes, "I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 3:14). Christian marriage has the same direction. The goal is not simply to reach an anniversary or to remain together for many years. Longevity is a blessing, but the deeper question is what husband and wife are becoming as they travel together.

Are they becoming more forgiving? More prayerful? More merciful? Less selfish? More faithful to Christ?

They are supposed to help one another toward the Kingdom.

The Removal of the Crowns

Near the conclusion of the service, the priest removes the crowns.

The visible crowns are taken away, but everything they represent remains.

Then ordinary married life begins.

There will be dishes, work, bills, children crying, difficult conversations, sickness, exhaustion, celebrations, disappointments, and countless ordinary days that no photographer will ever record.

That is precisely where the Mystery must now be lived.

Saint Paul writes, "Let all your things be done with charity" (1 Corinthians 16:14).

Not only the beautiful things.

All things.

That is where Christian marriage becomes real.

Step 3: Throughout Married Life

Chastity Does Not End at the Wedding

Chastity is not something Christians practice only until they are married. It continues throughout married life.

Before marriage, chastity means abstinence and bodily purity. Within marriage, it becomes faithfulness, tenderness, self-control, respect, purity of intention, and a love that refuses to use the other person selfishly.

Saint Paul speaks with striking equality about husband and wife: "The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife" (1 Corinthians 7:4).

This is not permission for selfishness. It is the opposite. Neither person now belongs only to himself or herself. Husband and wife have entrusted themselves to one another.

Saint John Chrysostom emphasizes this same mutual responsibility. When chastity is concerned, he does not give one standard to the man and another to the woman. Both are called to faithfulness.

Christian marriage therefore asks something deeper than simply avoiding adultery. Husband and wife must learn to approach one another with reverence, patience, and love throughout their life together.

Prayer for Children and the Christian Family

The prayers of the Orthodox marriage service also ask God to bless the husband and wife with children and with the joy of seeing "children's children."

Children, when God gives them, are not possessions. They are lives entrusted to the care of father and mother.

Holy Scripture says, "Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD" (Psalm 127:3). Parents therefore receive much more than the responsibility to feed, educate, and protect their children. They also receive the responsibility to guide them toward Christ.

Father and mother become the child's first teachers of the Christian life.

But children learn Christianity first by watching.

They see whether their parents pray. They see whether Sunday Liturgy actually matters. They notice whether father and mother forgive one another after an argument. They see whether their parents confess when they are wrong, whether they care for people in need, whether they fast, whether they receive Holy Communion with preparation, and whether Christ has a real place in the decisions of the family.

Saint Paul tells parents to bring up their children "in the nurture and admonition of the Lord" (Ephesians 6:4). This cannot be accomplished simply by enrolling a child in a church class.

The Church is not a course that we complete, and Orthodoxy is not merely a cultural habit inherited from our parents. The Church calls all of us to holiness.

"Be ye holy; for I am holy" (1 Peter 1:16).

That command is for the parents as much as for the children.

Parents cannot continually tell their children to pray while never praying themselves. They cannot teach forgiveness while refusing to forgive each other. They cannot tell their children that the Divine Liturgy is important while treating it as optional whenever something more convenient appears.

The most powerful lesson a parent gives is the life the child sees every day.

The Christian Home

For this reason, the Christian home is called to become a little church.

This does not mean that the family must live artificially or turn the home into a monastery. It means that Christ should genuinely have a place there.

There should be prayer. There should be forgiveness. There should be thanksgiving before meals, participation in the Divine Liturgy, fasting according to the life of the Church, Confession, Holy Communion, generosity, hospitality, and care for others.

Joshua's words remain powerful: "But as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD" (Joshua 24:15).

The Christian home is where children first discover whether those words are real.

They should grow up understanding that faith is not something reserved for the church building. God belongs in the kitchen, at the dinner table, in conversations, in difficult decisions, during sickness, in moments of disagreement, and in times of joy.

Christian life must become ordinary life.

Marriage as an Ascetic Life

Orthodox marriage is an ascetic life.

That does not mean that marriage is supposed to be gloomy. The wedding itself is filled with joy. But Christian joy is not the same thing as a life without struggle.

Marriage brings two imperfect human beings very close to one another. Eventually each sees the weaknesses of the other, but each also begins to discover his or her own.

This can lead to accusation, or it can lead to repentance.

Our Lord asks, "And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?" (Matthew 7:3).

Few places make that teaching more practical than marriage.

It is easy to see what the other person needs to change. Christian marriage teaches us also to ask, "What must change in me?"

Husband and wife learn patience because another person requires patience. They learn forgiveness because there will be something to forgive. They learn humility because sooner or later both discover that they are not always right. They learn sacrifice because a family cannot be built by two people who continually place themselves first.

The purpose is not simply to stay married.

The purpose is to become holy.

From Purity to Faithfulness

The Church's teaching on marriage is therefore one continuous path.

Before marriage, the man and woman learn purity, patience, self-control, and respect. They do not take from one another something that belongs to the life they have not yet entered.

At the Crowning, they place their common life before God and receive one another as husband and wife.

Throughout married life, they protect that gift through fidelity, chastity, repentance, prayer, forgiveness, and sacrifice.

When children are given, father and mother receive another sacred responsibility: to guide those children toward Christ, above all by showing them what Christian life actually looks like.

And throughout all these years, the direction remains the same.

Christ.

The purpose of Christian marriage is not simply to create a successful couple, a comfortable household, or even a happy family. These are good things, and we should be thankful for them, but they are not the final purpose.

Our Lord asks, "For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?" (Mark 8:36).

A marriage can have a beautiful home, successful children, financial security, and many happy memories, and still miss its deepest calling if Christ has been left outside.

The final purpose is the Kingdom of God.

Husband and wife are given to one another so that, through God's grace and the daily labor of love, each may help the other become holy. And when children are entrusted to them, they are called to lead those children along the same road.

A Pastoral Note

Anyone preparing for marriage should speak with the parish priest before setting the wedding date. The priest can help the couple understand not only the wedding service, but the spiritual responsibility they are preparing to receive.

Questions involving previous marriages, differences of faith, or other pastoral and canonical circumstances should also be discussed directly with the priest.

The purpose of preparation is not simply to make everything ready for a beautiful wedding.

It is to prepare a man and a woman to stand before God, receive one another as husband and wife, and begin a common life in which they can say with sincerity:

"As for me and my house, we will serve the LORD."

Sources and further reading

• The Service of Crowning (Holy Matrimony), Orthodox Church in America (oca.org).
• Ephesians 5:20–33; John 2:1–11; Genesis 2:24, 11:29, 17:5, 15, 24:67, 29:28, 41:45; Exodus 2:21; Luke 1:6; Matthew 6:33, 7:3, 19:6; Mark 8:34, 36; Galatians 6:2; Philippians 3:14; 1 Corinthians 7:4, 13:5, 16:14; 1 Thessalonians 4:3–4; Ephesians 6:4; 1 Peter 1:16; Psalm 127:3; Joshua 24:15 — King James Version.
• Saint John Chrysostom, Homily 9 on First Timothy, Nicene and Post-Nicene Fathers, First Series, Volume XIII.

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